“In the car going home I sat in my corner, biting my thumb nail, seeing the great hall at Manderley thronged with people … and I could see Maxim standing at the foot of the stairs, laughing, shaking hands, turning to someone who stood by his side, tall and slim, with dark hair … dark hair against a white face, someone whose quick eyes saw to the comfort of her guests, who gave an order over her shoulder to a servant, someone who was never awkward, never without grace, who when she danced left a stab of perfume in the air like a white azalea.”
My partner and I are currently looking for houses. We can’t afford much, but it’s fun to drive around on Sundays and pretend we’re in the market for a real stunner. We’ve pulled over outside many a palatial estate while I briefly wax sentimental about having a library, study, an art room for him, and a music room we don’t even use. I dream about “forever homes” and the work I’ll do to them. In these fantasies, I even own a pair of overalls, in which I paint every room using the color palette I already have picked out. Somehow, I know things about wallpapering and creating mosaic backsplashes over the sink and stove in the kitchen. The home is, of course, a great Victorian with original woodwork and Tiffany light fixtures.
This probably sounds like a great deal of snobbery to you, but I understand my own psychology, and I can tell you it comes from an innocent, if naive place. I remember taking evening walks in my first serious boyfriend’s neighborhood and imagining each house as ours. I was enamored by domesticity, which is not really much of a surprise. When I was growing up, my mother took extremely good care of her house. She had a matching candle for every holiday. She wanted our surroundings to look as much like a soothing fairy tale as possible, and because we effectively lived in a forest preserve, this wasn’t difficult. By the time I was 16, I pretty much felt like a Disney princess.
But the idea of a home that is truly mine has thus far been a fantasy. When I moved out of my parents’ house, I lived in a shitty one bedroom apartment with my shitty ex, too broke from waiting tables to pay even half the rent, and then dragged that misery all the way across the country to the West coast. There, I cleaned the houses of the rich, trying not to gag from the mold in the showers, sneaking an occasional rest in a princess chair, and trying to befriend the household cats, who were possibly more privileged than their owners. Now I live in the crumbling house I’ve always wanted with landlords who are possibly shittier than my ex and I’m in constant fear it will have burned down every time I return from work.
This is all to say that a book that begins with the phrase, “Last night, I dreamt I went to Manderley again” is almost too personal to write about.
But it’s not just the dream-house motif that often accompanies a Gothic romance that makes this novel nearly undiscussable for me. It’s that the unnamed narrator matches my self-detrimental thought processes turn for turn.
What if, when I finally have it, I’m not good enough for this dream house? What if I am a frumpy, mousy tenant, nowhere near as lustrous and intriguing as the previous owner? What if I am slovenly, cannot manage the way the house is run, cannot keep up with my own business and projects, prove to be incompetent? What if I can’t maintain control over my own life, living space, work space? Worst of all, what if I don’t deserve to be happy on my own terms?
Du Maurier’s narrator suffers from the same generalized anxiety, imposter syndrome, and self-worth issues that many young women do. But without actually getting in her head, her mental illness is just that: a term. Inside her head, we can identify the thought patterns, with just enough coercion from others, that lead her to such a dark place. And it stings like ice. Now approaching 30, I’m growing tired of the same self-sabotage that keeps me from being the best I can be. I’m sick of comparing myself to other women physically, emotionally, intellectually, financially, and finding that I fall short on each count.
But I don’t know that Rebecca offers a solution to these problems. Like the new Mrs. de Winter, I beat myself down to a level of despair that can only be resolved by anger. With this anger comes a brief flare of confidence, during which I accomplish as much as I possibly can; but inevitably, I flail and begin to sink.
I turn the corner, and the dream house is ablaze.